Trying desperately to raise the sails…

Okay, so I apologize for sort of leaving everyone hanging with the last paragraph of my previous post.  Suffice to say, everything feels as though it has hit the fan this week.  Before I fill you in on the “goings-on”, I want to offer a sort of disclaimer.  As I write about all of this, it might sound like we’ve lost hope.  Or that we’re despairing about our decisions about the Caribbean and what not.  Although these things are incredibly worrisome and at times discouraging, we are in no way second guessing that the Caribbean is where we are supposed to be.  It is no coincidence that every day that our trip draws closer, the lengths to which Satan goes to keep us here get more and more drastic.  Maybe he was getting a little irritated by me and Jonathan’s sort of laughing off all his stupid quips and decided to take things more seriously.  Make us pay attention.  Well he got our attention, but it’s not changing our minds.  Though it’s making the prospect of moving on Sunday seem very scary and unstable.  So here’s an update:

Jonathan and I ran to Houston to finish things up with the house.  Got the garage completely cleaned out, all the last minute things into storage, and we locked up Peachford for good.  I really thought I’d be more emotional about that, but I was SO ready to do that, that it didn’t even phase me.  However, the same day we started our trek back up to OKC, Bernice and Charlie let us know that Bernice was having some issues and had been referred by a gastroenterologist to have a CT scan.  Come to find out, there is a mass on one of her ovaries.  After the intitial blood work, the “tumor markers” (I’m still a little fuzzy on what exactly that means) show heightened indicators of ovarian cancer. 

So what does that mean?  Bernice will be going in tomorrow afternoon to meet with the Oncologist (not sure what her name is, but apparently she’s one of the few GYN Oncology surgeons in OKC and she’s the best).  They will review blood work, the CT scan, and also to pathology reports from the fluid they drained from her abdomen (she lost 10 pounds in a matter of minutes!…silver lining…).  From there, they’ll decide a plan of action.  Bernice is already a cancer survivor.  She beat breast cancer several years ago.  So I know she can do this again.  It’s scary and obviously unexpected, but she seems to have a really good feeling about everything. 

Her outlook is really helping me cope with the fact that my mother-in-law (I hate calling her that because the name doesn’t fit the relationship) is about to undergo major surgery and possibly (probably) chemotherapy and I’m going to be out of the country!  I hate that.  I hate this.  If you know me, you know that I have a very close relationship with Bernice.  It’s uncanny really.  I don’t think I’ve ever know anyone who has the kind of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship that we have.  Most of the time it’s more like a close friendship.  So the thought of her having to go through all this makes me sick.  It makes me sicker that I won’t be able to be here with her while she goes through it.  I keep telling her that she’s a tiger earning her stripes.  That we aren’t even going to discuss the “alternatives”.  She’s going to beat this again and come out on the other side.  She’s got a very vocal prayer army behind her that’s assembling as we speak (wanna join??).  And she’s gonna be fine…

I posted on my Facebook status this afternoon this quote: “All I can do is raise the sail.  But you, Lord, YOU must bring the gale…”.  That has become somewhat of a mantra for me in the past few months.  I heard it on KSBJ on the way to work a while ago and it seems so appropo for what we are facing.  Without going into much more detail, I have to tell you that there have been other things happening in the past few days that are literally sucking the wind out of my sails.  My metaphor craving mind paints a picture of me, in the middle of a hurricane, trying desperately to tug the sails of our sailboat up.  If I could just pull them to the top, that incredible gust of wind would grab them and send us rocketing through the ocean.  To places and experiences beyond what our eyes could see.  If I could just force those sails up the masts in the midst of those waves and rain and wind.  So let’s just say that for the next 7 days, Jonathan and I will be pulling those ropes as diligently as we can.  Tugging, yanking, pulling, and waiting.  Waiting for that “divine gale” to grab our sails and send us rocketing into this next chapter in our lives.  It may mean that for the next 7 days, we are in for a beating.  The lengths that Satan will go to keep us here may not even be reached at this point (ugh…that’s exhausting just thinking about it…).

What can you do??  Man, pray like you’ve never prayed before.  Pray for our Bernice.  Pray for tomorrow and for what’s ahead in treatment for her.  Pray for Charlie and Bernice’s friends (Brenda, Dena, Charlotte, Sandy etc.) who will be her immediate support system here.  At least until I can get back here to fill my role.  Pray for me and Jonathan as we prepare to leave.  Pray that God will bind up the devil at least for a few days so that we can get to Freeport safely and in one piece.  Pray specifically for Jonathan as he starts medical school with the well being of his mom always in the back of his mind.  Pray that he can rest in the knowledge that God has His hands on this whole situation.  He’s got this under control.  But maybe a greater request for all of us (or maybe just a more specific one) is pray for PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING.  The only thing we understand right now is that there is a greater purpose here.  What that purpose is, we don’t know.  But we need that peace desperately… 

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2 thoughts on “Trying desperately to raise the sails…

  1. Oh, my darling, sweet girl! I will be praying! Thanks for sharing what’s going on so that those of us out here in the other corners of the world can be praying. Yes, Dearest, Precious Papa-God, blind the enemy to your children right now and allow them to safely set sail in clear waters . . . You hold them in your hand regardless of waves or still waters, and we all trust mightily in that. “In [Your] hands, there’s only safety–nothing there can touch them except [You] . . . ” Amen and amen.

    Clutching you to my bosom,
    Mama Muz

  2. Love you like you’ll never know. I’m so blessed to call you my sister! Never fear – the Lord our God is with us all!

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